It's ok to not be ok (messy things)
The state of the world has many of us waaaay outside of our comfort zones right now. This thing has been triggering all of my food issues - food as an addiction, food as numbing, food as protection, scarcity of food etc. and quite honestly, I have not been handling it well. I've let the monster win 13 out of 14 days - bingeing on carbs and sugar and acting like a complete maniac in search of soothing and comfort in the form of warm, doughy pizza, thick milkshakes, cheese and fruit-filled pastries and even leftover cake frosting I managed to find in the back corner of the fridge. It's UGLY. I feel ugly. I feel like a failure. I feel totally out of control and ASHAMED for not being able to conquer this addiction by now. I've let it win since the age of 10. I've let this thing kick my ass for THIRTY ONE YEARS. I feel weak for not being able to implement all of the knowledge I've gained over the years and for not being able to take my own advice.
It's really uncomfortable and really frustrating and I'm so sick of the vicious cycle.
But this is ok. It has taken me a few weeks to get to this point, but I've realized that it's TRULY ok to not be ok. It's ok to feel helpless, it's ok to cry, it's ok to have to confront the shadow I thought I had made peace with, it's ok to not have everything under control, it's ok to not win, it's ok to be mad.
But I also don't want to dwell or wallow, in the grand scheme of things, having an abundance of food is an incredible blessing. But sometimes I just don't want to do the things I know I "should" be doing - like eating plenty of fruits and veggies, sweating every day, journaling etc.
Some of the things I've found helpful when things are messy - when I'm feeling NOT OK and don't want to necessarily do what I know I "should" be doing:
1. Stomp. Stomping is a great way to release aggression it also helps strengthen the root chakra - the center responsible for our feelings of survival, abundance and safety. This center is taking a hit for many of us right now as job security is uncertain and financial wellbeing is being significantly impacted. You can read more about balancing this energy center here.
2. Punch. This is a surprisingly therapeutic and satisfying way of transferring anger - I like to punch a pillow when I'm feeling extra frustrated and belligerent. Tip: As objects can hold energy, don't use the pillow(s) you sleep with for this and if you do, cleanse them with palo santo smoke afterwards.
3. Scream. Screaming into a pillow or under water (a pool works great for this) is a good stress reliever, the idea behind it being that activating the part of the brain that wants to freak out allows us to relieve stress before the actual freak-out occurs.
4. Scribble. Sometimes instead of creating something lovely and beautiful, I just feel like wrecking shit. Go with it! Instead of painting a beautiful picture or writing a sonnet, I try to visually journal how I'm feeling. Sometimes this is dark and disturbed, sometimes this is endless spirals of black, sometimes it's uncontrollable rage with thick black x's all over the page.
How have you been feeling this week? How have you been dealing with what you're feeling? What's been working for you?
This is an unprecedentedly strange time. I think it's important to honor the layers as they come up. Whatever we are are feeling is ok, remember we must also have a dark side if we are to be whole.
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Also in Self-Care Sunday Blog Posts
New Year Sweetness
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- Find a comfortable seat on the ground on a yoga mat or cushion - either inside or outside. You may want to place a rolled blanket underneath your sits bones to help support you and keep your pelvic bowl and spine in alignment. Arrange your supplies as desired around your space with the bowl of water directly in front of you.
The Energetics of Chasing
Whether it’s love, good health, a solid relationship, serenity, freedom, a title, respect, or a certain number in the bank or on the scale - anything you chase will always be outside of you.
Apart from you.
A Perpetual Separation.
The energy of chasing by nature keeps you in pursuit and the desired "thing" running away from you. This creates more resistance & frustration and actually widens the gap between you and what you want.
Andrea Pacini
Author